7 Ways to Outsmart a Narcissist (Without Acting Like One)

Everybody exhibits narcissistic traits — they’re normal and natural. So much so that without them we’d all have cripplingly low self-esteem.

However, those who travel too far down the spectrum are individuals we call narcissists. They’re entitled. They exploit people. And they’re overall not very fun to be around (an understatement, as those who’re dealing with or have dealt with a narcissist will know).

While extreme narcissism is a disorder, you do not need to be a punching bag for their delusions of grandeur and manipulative behaviors. Believe it or not, there are ways to outsmart them without heading to their often-nasty level. But to do that, you first need to understand their brain.

Understanding the Narcissist

Exaggerated self-importance and a deep yearning for admiration are key traits of the narcissist, alongside a lack of empathy and the inability to recognize or care about others’ feelings.

However, narcissism exists on a spectrum — some people display more extreme traits than others. Similarly, it can manifest in various behaviors, including but not necessarily limited to:

• Becoming defensive or angry when challenged
• Expecting special treatment
• Exaggerating their abilities and achievements
• Demeaning others to make themselves feel superior
• Being preoccupied with fantasies of success, attractiveness, and/or power
• Blaming others for their mistakes
• Looking down on others
• Treating others as incompetent
• Gaslighting, playing the victim, and guilt-tripping

7 Ways To Outsmart A Narcissist Without Stooping To Their Level

Contrary to popular belief, you do not have to stoop to a narcissist’s level to beat them at their own game. Instead, you can try one (or more) of the methods below:

1) Set Steadfast Boundaries

Whether you’re dealing with a narcissist at home or in the office, interactions can feel like a never-ending, decidedly unfun game of tug-of-war, with you on the losing end.

This is where setting boundaries can save the day.

Narcissists thrive on power and control. They seemingly love nothing more than pushing your limits to see whether you’ll crack and comply with their desires. But setting firm boundaries is a psychological trick that can covertly put you in the power position. It’s all about defining acceptable behavior, noting unacceptable behavior, and then steadfastly sticking to it.

You can avoid any full-blown arguments by remaining calm and reminding them of your limits. Confrontation isn’t the key here — protecting your mental and emotional health is. It’s a subtle yet effective trick.

2) Try the Gray Rock Method

The gray rock method, otherwise known as gray rocking, is a technique used to deal with manipulative and/or abusive behavior, especially from those with narcissistic traits.

The strategy was coined by an American mental health blogger in 2012 called Skylar, after ending a 25-year relationship with a narcissist. 

Narcissists love getting reactions from people. They enjoy drama, so the gray rock method works wonders by simply not giving them it. 

If you become as uninteresting as a gray rock, narcissists will lose interest in you. It’s a fairly straightforward way to neutralize their effect on your life — personal and professional. 

To pull it off, you must give short, non-committal responses to their actions and provocations. That way, they won’t have any emotional fuel to feed on, and the interaction will die off.

3) Observe Mindfully

With this strategy, you become an objective observer, rather than an emotional sponge for the narcissist’s abuse. Try to take a step back and analyze their words and actions.

For example, when they try to provoke you, look at their patterns instead of reacting. Humans are creatures of habit — patterns are what we innately do best. So, note the triggers, tactics, and how they tend to act when you don’t give them what they want. 

Such detachment can allow you to understand their behavior, making it easier for you to employ other tactics in the list at the right time in the future. Not to mention that it stops you from getting emotionally sucked into the draining drama! Protect your peace.

4) Practice the EAR Method

Bill Eddy, psychologist, attorney, and author of Splitting, BIFF, and The Five Types of People That Will Ruin Your Life, developed the EAR method for dealing with narcissists, which stands for:

• Empathy
• Attention
• Respect

And that’s exactly what Eddy suggests you show them, even though it may be the last thing you want to do.

Narcissists know they’ve got you when you react in expected ways. For example, taking the bait and rising to their provocations. So, acting in the way they’d least expect catches them off guard. Show empathy, attention, and respect, and you’ll outsmart them quicker than you might believe.

There’s no need to bring emotion into it. Just give them enough EAR to throw them off and see how your interaction changes.

5) Remain Rooted in Reality

As we mentioned earlier, gaslighting is a common tactic used by narcissists in all walks of life. They’re able to distort reality enough to make you question your own sanity. Thus, it’s crucial to remain rooted in your own reality. 

The question is: how?

One of the most effective methods is to record incidents, actions, and conversations. There are multiple ways to do this, but two of the most popular are confiding in a trusted person and journaling.

Whichever method you choose, the objective evidence will give you something to fall back on when the narcissist attempts to warp your memories or manipulate your reality.

6) Maintain Emotional Control

Perhaps one of the best ways to disarm a narcissist is by keeping your emotions cool during interactions. While it’s natural to react when somebody pushes your buttons, maintaining control is essential when dealing with these individuals.

After all, they’ll often seek emotional responses to gain control or manipulate the scenario.

So, the next time they try to bait you, take a deep breath, count to three, and let it slide. Then, it’s up to you whether you respond calmly or simply walk away. Either way, you deny them the satisfaction of seeing you upset.

 7) State Your ABCs

Despite first glance appearances, this isn’t about spouting the alphabet in their face. Rather, it’s Dr. Craig Malkin’s assertiveness tool that purportedly works wonders on the narcissist in your professional or personal life.

Dubbed the “ABC’s of Assertiveness” in his book Rethinking Narcissism: The Bad — and Surprising Good — About Feeling Special, the following relatively simple steps can expertly disarm a narcissist:

1. A is for Affect — You need to tell them how you’re feeling. And it is essential to use the word “I” liberally when doing so, while avoiding “you” statements (at this stage). Think, “I shut down when I’m not asked about my day,” over “I’m hurt you didn’t ask how my day was.” As Malkin himself states, people are less defensive when they aren’t hit with the word “you“. That said, sans-you statements aren’t always possible. So, just do your best to describe your feelings and the event(s) you’re reacting to. You deserve to have them heard.
   
2. B is for Behavior — Now, it’s time to explain the interaction, experience, or action that caused (or causes) the feeling (or feelings) described in the previous step. It could be anything from raised voices to hearing only criticism to interrupting to ignoring.
   
3. C is for Correction — Efficient assertiveness includes a request. After all, you won’t get the constructive change you’re looking for without requesting it. While it’s easy to assume someone will know what to do/say to make you feel better, don’t. Malkin notes that hurtful behaviors often stem from a lack of knowledge or skill, so you may need to teach people how you like to be treated.

Taking all the steps into account, your complete ABC statements may look like these:

• I feel sad when the things I say don’t get a response. I feel better when you ask me a question or tell me your thoughts once I’ve finished speaking.
  
• I get scared around raised voices. I would be more comfortable talking with you at a lower volume.
  
• It hurts when you don’t ask about my day. I feel more connected to you when you ask how it was and what I did.

If Everything Becomes Too Much, Seek Professional Help

Ultimately, it’s worth noting that you don’t need to deal with a narcissist alone. There are professionals trained to help you navigate these complex scenarios and find a way forward.

Both counselors and therapists can offer valuable insights into narcissistic traits and behaviors, while providing strategies tailored to your specific circumstances. This proves especially helpful when the individual in question is a partner, parent, or other close relative.

Outsmarting a Narcissist: An Arduous But Possible Journey

As briefly alluded to earlier, every narcissist is different. The individual in your life may express extreme narcissistic behaviors or only slight traits, but either way, the seven science-backed methods above make dealing with (and indeed outsmarting) them much easier than before.

Reference:

1. https://www.kaminiwood.com/how-to-beat-a-narcissist-at-their-own-game

2. https://geediting.com/9-little-known-psychological-tricks-to-outsmart-a-narcissist

3. https://rebeccazung.medium.com/how-to-outsmart-the-narcissist-efe5bc3a331f

3. https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/grey-rock

4. https://myinnercreative.com/dan-little-known-psychological-tricks-to-disarm-a-narcissist/

5. https://bakadesuyo.com/2017/10/how-to-win-with-a-narcissist/

6. https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/romance-redux/201108/the-abcs-of-assertiveness