5 Things That Are Sabotaging Your Relationship (And How to Fix Them)

Ever wondered why your relationships keep hitting the same roadblocks? As a relationship coach, I’ve seen countless couples make the same mistakes over and over, and the worst part? Most don’t even realize they’re doing it. 

Today, I’m pulling back the curtain on the five things that are sabotaging your relationship and might be slowly poisoning your connection with your partner. But don’t worry – I’m also sharing the exact strategies to fix them.

1. The Silent Treatment Isn’t So Silent After All

You think you’re taking the high road by staying quiet when you’re upset. After all, isn’t it better than saying something you’ll regret? Wrong. That silence is screaming volumes to your partner, and what it’s saying isn’t pretty.

Here’s what’s happening when you go silent: you’re not just avoiding conflict – you’re creating an emotional void that fills with anxiety, resentment, and disconnection. Your partner isn’t learning what upsets you; they’re learning that you’ll shut them out when things get tough. It’s like emotional quicksand – the harder they try to reach you, the further you sink into isolation.

Pause and Process

Tell your partner, “I need some time to gather my thoughts, but can we talk about this in an hour?” This shows respect for both your need for space and their need for communication. 

When you return to the conversation, use “I feel” statements rather than accusations. For example, “I feel overwhelmed when we argue about finances” instead of “You always make me feel bad about money.”

2. The Scorekeeping Game Everyone Loses

Remember that time your partner forgot your anniversary three years ago? Of course, you do because you’ve filed it away in your mental “evidence folder” along with every other mistake they’ve made. This isn’t just holding onto grudges; it’s weaponizing the past.

When you keep score in a relationship, you transform love into a competition where both players ultimately lose. Every kind gesture becomes a transaction, every apology comes with strings attached, and the genuine connection gets buried under layers of past grievances.

The Fix: Implement what I call the “48-Hour Rule.” If something bothers you, address it within 48 hours or consciously let it go completely. No storing it away for future ammunition. Start each day with a clean slate, treating your relationship like a fresh canvas rather than a battlefield littered with old wounds.

Additionally, try keeping a “gratitude journal” specifically for your relationship. Each day, write down one thing your partner did that you appreciate. This practice helps rewire your brain to focus on the positive rather than cataloging the negative.

3. The Social Media Comparison Trap

In an age where everyone’s highlight reel is on constant display, it’s tempting to measure your relationship against the perfectly curated moments you see online. But here’s the truth: those Instagram-perfect couples you’re envying? They’re struggling with their issues behind the scenes.

This constant comparison creates unrealistic expectations and makes you blind to the unique beauty of your relationship. Worse still, many couples are so busy documenting their moments for social media that they forget to live them.

Phone-Free Zones

These are sacred spaces and times where both partners agree to disconnect from the digital world and

connect instead. Maybe it’s during dinner, or perhaps it’s every Sunday morning over coffee.

Write down three things that make your relationship special that would never show up in a social media post. Maybe it’s how your partner knows exactly how to make you laugh when you’re stressed or the weird inside jokes only the two of you understand. 

These are the real indicators of a healthy relationship, not the number of likes on your latest couple’s selfie.

4. The Assumption Addiction

You’ve been together for years, so naturally, you think you can read your partner’s mind, right? This might be the most dangerous assumption of all. When we stop asking questions and start assuming we know what our partner thinks, feels, or wants, we stop growing together and start growing apart.

I once worked with a couple who nearly divorced because the husband assumed his wife’s frequent late nights at work meant she was losing interest in their marriage. In reality, she was working extra hours to save for a surprise anniversary trip. Assumptions created a crisis where there was none.

Introduce “curiosity conversations” into your routine. Once a week, sit down with your partner and ask them something you’ve never asked before. 

It could be about their hopes for the future, their feelings about the present, or even their perspective on a shared experience from the past. The key is to approach these conversations with genuine curiosity, as if you’re getting to know them for the first time.

Create a habit of asking, “What do you mean by that?” instead of assuming you know. This simple question can prevent countless misunderstandings and deepen your connection in surprising ways.

5. The Renovation Obsession

We’ve all done it and tried to change our partner into our ideal version of them. Maybe you’ve dropped hints about their career choices, criticized their friend group, or made passive-aggressive comments about their habits. This behavior sends a clear message: “You’re not good enough as you are.”

This constant push for change creates an atmosphere of conditional love, where acceptance feels always just out of reach. It’s exhausting for both partners and erodes the foundation of trust and security that healthy relationships need to thrive.

Radical Acceptance

This doesn’t mean you have to love everything about your partner, but it means choosing to accept them as they are right now, not as you wish they would be.

Start by making a list of all the things you’ve been trying to change about your partner. Next to each item, write down why it bothers you. Often, you’ll find that your desire to change them says more about your insecurities or unmet needs than about their shortcomings.

Then, challenge yourself to find the positive aspect of each trait you’ve been trying to change. For example, if you’ve been frustrated by your partner’s cautious nature with money, reframe it as responsible financial stewardship. 

If their social butterfly tendencies drive you crazy, recognize how their outgoing nature brings new experiences and connections into your life.

Your Next Chapter Starts Now

These relationship killers might be subtle, but their impact is anything but. The good news? Awareness is the first step to change. You don’t have to perfect all these fixes at once start with the one that resonates most strongly with you and build from there.

Remember, every great relationship is a work in progress. The couples who last aren’t the ones who never face challenges; they’re the ones who face them together, with honesty, compassion, and a willingness to grow.