When Cutting Ties with Parents Becomes Necessary: What Research Really Shows

Family estrangement is finally getting the attention it deserves. A recent BBC article by Miriam Frankel discusses a topic many people experience but rarely talk about openly.

The timing makes sense. Because we’re living in a time where traditional family structures are changing.

More and more people are questioning old beliefs like “blood is thicker than water” and asking tough questions about what we really owe our parents.

What the Research Actually Shows

According to new studies cited in Frankel’s BBC piece, estrangement is far more common than most people realize.

The numbers are eye-opening:

• 26% of Americans experienced periods of estrangement from their father over 24 years
  
• 6% were estranged from their mother during the same period
  
• In Germany, 20% were estranged from fathers and 9% from mothers over 13 years
  
• About 10% of people are currently completely cut off from a parent or child

Dr. Karl Pillemer from Cornell University, whose research is featured in the article, found that many people assume estrangement only happens to “other families.” The reality is different.

Why Family Estrangement Is Increasing

Three key factors are driving this trend:

Changing family values. Sociologist Pillemer explains that older generations had stronger norms about family loyalty. Those expectations have weakened. Non-traditional families are more accepted now, making estrangement less taboo.

Rising individualism. Clinical psychologist Joshua Coleman points out that social media makes it easier to find supportive communities. Online influencers often encourage cutting ties with “toxic” people.

Therapy’s complex role. While therapy can be helpful, Coleman warns that some therapists may encourage estrangement too quickly. Some even “diagnose” family members they’ve never met based on one person’s story.

The Real Reasons People Cut Contact

Most estrangement isn’t about abuse. Pillemer’s research found it’s often “a build-up of minor negative interactions.”

Common triggers include:

• Conflicts with in-laws
• Aftermath of divorce
• Parents not accepting a child’s sexual identity
• Political differences (nearly 20% cited this)
• Controlling or harsh parenting styles

But researcher Lucy Blake from the University of the West of England found emotional abuse was the top reason in her UK survey. She stresses that emotional abuse is just as serious as physical abuse.

The Philosophical Question: What Do We Owe Our Parents?

This gets complicated fast.

Philosopher Christopher Cowley from University College Dublin puts it perfectly: “In one sense, I owe my parents everything in the literal, metaphysical and existential sense. But clearly, if I have survived some awful parental abuse, then presumably that means I have no further duty.”

Here’s what experts suggest considering:

Your parents’ circumstances. Were they dealing with mental illness, trauma, or financial stress? This doesn’t excuse bad behavior, but it might help you understand it.

The power shift. When you’re a child, your parents hold all the power. As adults, the relationship should become more like a friendship.

Future regret. Cowley asks a tough question: How would you feel if your parent died while you were estranged? “You can’t control what you’re haunted by.”

Does Cutting Ties Actually Make You Happier?

The answer is complicated.

Coleman’s surveys show adult children usually feel happier and less stressed after estrangement. But parents experience “heartbreak, sadness and confusion.”

The estranged adult children face their own challenges:

• Isolation, especially during holidays
• Ongoing sadness about unresolved issues
• Fear of future regret

Lucy Blake emphasizes building a strong support network before cutting ties completely.

What Experts Recommend Instead

Try limited estrangement first. All three researchers suggest distancing yourself temporarily rather than cutting ties forever.

Coleman recommends checking back with parents after a year. Sometimes that break is enough to create positive change.

The reconciliation statistics are hopeful:

• 62% of people estranged from mothers eventually reconciled
• 44% of those estranged from fathers finally reconciled

The Bottom Line

As one expert notes: “Parents don’t owe their children a perfect childhood. And children don’t owe their parents eternal gratitude.”

What they do owe each other is empathy, self-reflection, and willingness to listen.

Estrangement isn’t always wrong. Some situations – particularly involving abuse – make it necessary for your safety and wellbeing.

But for many people, the goal shouldn’t be perfect relationships. It should be honest ones where both sides acknowledge their mistakes and limitations.

Have you experienced family estrangement, either personally or through someone close to you? What factors do you think make the biggest difference in whether families can reconcile?

Share your thoughts in the comments below. These conversations help break down the stigma around a topic that affects millions of families.

Source: “Should you ever cut ties with your parents?” by Miriam Frankel, BBC Future, May 26, 2025. Research citations include studies by Dr. Karl Pillemer (Cornell University), Dr. Joshua Coleman (clinical psychologist), and Dr. Lucy Blake (University of the West of England).